2011

a year that was sadder than any other. basically i had a round in shanghai, and another round back in singapore - a double hit. i was almost depressed, perhaps. i thought a lot more about things i didn't use to think so much about, but not as much thinking as previous years. i got so tired from being unable to sleep from everything, that i slept.

i had a lot of self esteem problems, big mood swings, wanted a lot of attention and support which i didn't get, hell lot of stress from school, mishandling of relationships etc. the only comfort i got was from home, which i am truly thankful for.

if anything, 2011 was horrible. i have been very negative, perpetually negative. nothing that came out of my mouth about life was positive. i would tell you i think i would have failed some modules, i am just lousy in so many ways, i have no friends, i hate school, i avoided facebook because i was scared to see everyone else having so many friends and having so much fun, i avoided outings because i was scared i have nothing to say, i avoided coming online because people would think i was slacking again, i stopped talking to people in general etc.

my mind knows what should be the way to handle things, but my heart controls me more than my mind. i must thank those friends who heard me out, because at some point of time you really gave me the relief i needed. to be truthful, even after confiding in people, those thoughts still came every day. if i appeared or sounded depressed, i felt 100 times worse inside.

i didn't want to talk about my thoughts anymore when i realised friends weren't listening anymore, and i was just troubling them all the time with the same thing over and over again. i turned to counselling. then i stopped going, because i was scared of exposing my insecurities to a stranger, and because i was scared someone would find out.

it's like the devil winning the angel hands-down.

in any case, i still learnt a lot. and because of the sides people have shown to me this year, i gained a lot. i made a lot of promises to myself. i have yet to fulfil all, but i know at least, these promises are what i really believe in, almost like a religion.

now i know the meaning of a belief. i am someone who respects, and wants to be respected. i have a lot of self pride, and i did myself wrong by hurting my self pride a lot this year. 'Expectations' became a poisonous word that did nothing but kill me and several friendships. my beliefs are built from my pride, my values and most of all, people who made me realise what my beliefs are.

Two most important lessons I have learnt this year:

One, be true to yourself and your friends.

Two, everyone deserves attention, time and effort, even more so for those whom I love, and these people especially should know they deserve it.