a page off the old book

sec 4 organiser!




end of sec 3 i think?




jc2! counting down to syf.



cleared my table today. 5 big bags of rubbish! gosh~ i can finally see my table though! when i opened those organisers, i was reminded of those days. really smiled all the way as i reading them. those were the days.

i've changed so much. grown, maybe. more changed, than grown.

even as i read my old blog entries sometimes, i can't imagine i wrote those. it is almost like reading the diary of somebody else. "that's me?!" what ever, how ever was i thinking back then?

these days, i've been feeling so alone. i can't help but wonder, is this how it's going to be, 2 years down the road? once i've graduated, started working, and that's it? that's my life? am i even going to find a job?

i know it's a cycle. the loneliness comes and goes. will there come a day, when it stays for good?

being at home, i talk to my sisters. both attached, one getting married, the other already looking for a house. they ask me, when are you getting a boyfriend? they tell me in different ways. i said i wanted my own camera.

er jie said," Get a bf. it comes together. da jie uses jason's camera, i use zong's camera."

da jie said," The main table has an odd number. you are supposed to get a boyfriend and make it even."

well. i can't help it!

but yeah. i foresee the day, when both are married and out of the house and i'll still be staying here for good. quoted from sis: "the house is yours." terrible.

moreover, everyone around me seems busy. 'everyone' refers to the people currently active in my life, which really isn't a lot. i don't like big groups. so i prefer going out in small groups. but even a small group whom i can feel at ease with, isn't easy to find.

somehow, i keep losing friends. the people whom i once loved, no longer seem to be there anymore. somewhere along the way, either they stopped loving me, or i seemed to love them less first, and in the end we lost to distance, time, effort. it's a constant battle, that i keep losing. perhaps a friend i cherished, didn't cherish me as much. and vice versa. at the same time, people whom i could love, i didn't go one step further. and vice versa. hence, it stopped there.

i think the problem is with me. i have less patience with the ones i like more. i am also tired of hearing 'sorry, i can't make it!i'm busy!' imagine, making the effort to organise a meetup, and all you get is a slap in the face. and others in the group don't seem to take the initiative to organise either, so let's just leave it. why did i even bother? i treasured, so i bothered. it's probably unfair to judge this way, but does it mean you didn't treasure, so you didn't bother? are you THAT busy?

but yes, im guilty too. there are only that many weekends to go around. that many dinners. that many time slots when everyone is free.

i can't recall when i got so scared. i saw it in my sec 4 organiser, it probably started then.

now, i look at my contact list, and i feel lost. who can i call?