错愕感

and so, im saved. thanks a lot, song. thanks X 1000000000000000000000000000000000.

today, i screwed myself up. it's been a long time since i felt like that. like i was treading on a mine field, and any moment i could be blown up into little pieces, exposing myself all at once. it was a truly scary feeling. like, guilt and fear mashed up into me, but i can't possibly tell anyone.

it felt like how it did in primary school. i spilt noodles and soup on the floor when nobody was around. panicked, and tried to cover it up. my heart pumped really fast, my mind was working out possible solutions, my body felt numb, i couldn't imagine what would happen to me, how i would be confronted by my mum, how i would react then...

it happened in a split second. i was out of my mind, it was slightly larger than life, i tried to minimise the damage and remove all evidence of this irreversible mistake. it took a little too long. there forever lies a risk.
i hope you never know. i hope you didn't see it. i hope if you did, tell me.
apprehensive. im all jittery.