indulgence

once again, school is about to start. it's a mix of feelings - dread and anticipation. more of dread, more of the looming stress, more of the negative than the positive.

after 3 sems in school, i finally see what i've been going through. school is like jail. you are imprisoned for 13 weeks. you mingle with your jail inmates, eat with them, play some sports with them, watch tv with them, study with them...then after which you get released. then for the crime of enjoying yourself and allowing all hell break loose during your release, you're popped back in for another 13 weeks.

no life for 13 weeks.

i've felt terrible enough for the past sem... but since understanding this is what i've willingly allowed to put myself through, i will pull through it. it's like a 4-year contract bound to hell, requiring myself to immerse in the stressed out, depressed, mug-like-there's-no-tomorrow, feel-like-life-is-a-bitch state. i will not hope for a life during sem time, it's impossible, i've learnt. not in cbe.

i shouldn't have even hoped for a life in the past few sems. how silly. school life, how did it turn so bad?

i can't see it. all around, there's selfishness, competition, insensitivity, insincerity. whatever happened to the days, when someone was willing to help one who couldn't cope with work? yes, i am academically weak. yes, i want someone to help me. yes, this is a silent plea. yes, i'm mentally weak too, i can't cope with stress or competition. yes, i wish that someone could be big-hearted enough, and to quit being an ass.

yes, it's all about perception. expectations.

out of all the people, i really want to thank cheonghengq. made my life so much better last sem. helped me in countless ways. both academically and mentally. don't think he'll be reading this, but really thank u so much...

dance. i want to do it well. there are just that many times in life when you want to prove yourself, and this is one of the times. in a silly way, i wanna scoff at the rest, this is my life, outside of school. do you even have one? pui.

i imagine dancing with motivated dancers. they don't have to be good. they have to improve. they have to show that they practise at home, because not practising is evident in the next time you dance. anyone can tell if you didn't practise. practise, practise, practise. first steps, then style, then feel. eventually you will become good. that's dancing.

i imagine being able to handle all the tough moves. i imagine my stamina increasing by leaps and bounds, and i'll be able to execute all my moves fully, or even to 200%. i imagine everyone else in the dance group to be the same as well. i want PT, Hall Dance Night Jogging sessions, push ups, sit ups, leg lifts, table tops etc. i want people to stay back voluntarily, even after the session has ended, just to perfect their moves, to push their limits. it should start now, before our actual day on feb 24.

i imagine a group of highly motivated dancers, who also hopes for a place in the hall dance competition. a group who has had performance experience, both without mirror and in front of a small audience. a group who does homework, and comes prepared. people who originally have no dance background, who will ultimately proudly show they can dance like any other experienced dancer.

i want people to watch themselves in the mirror, imitate, and learn. no complacency allowed, consistent effort will be recognised. no excessive praising, we will work hard for ourselves.

dance and we can perform magic on stage!