inferiority

times like these, when i don't believe in myself anymore. there's nothing i can do. not even a simple quiz, not an exam, not anything. i have no skill, no looks, no character, no ambition, no talent.

im getting 60+ for a quiz everyone gets 90 for, 70 for a quiz everyone gets 80+ for. tears don't do much, crying over spilt milk, that's what they call it. i think i've never felt such an overwhelming feeling before. that keeps coming back. i put in time too. perhaps not productive time.

i didn't feel happy sitting at my desk for every day of my recess week. i didn't feel happy sitting at my desk every night, trying to do tutorials which i ultimately couldn't do anyway. i didn't feel happy forcing myself to sit and read the notes with my laptop turned off. i didn't feel happy turning down my friends, saying i wanted to study, when in fact i was just looking at my notes, with nothing going in.

today. cried once, cried twice, cried thrice, for the fourth, fifth time, sixth time.

for the whole of this sem, i've been convincing myself i can't do it. im stupid. it's so difficult, i can't understand it. just don't have the confidence anymore. putting myself down all the time, knowing i won't be able to do it. there are many things i wish were within my intelligence, but they're not. all i want to do is what i want and like. how ill-disciplined.

at the back of my mind, i know im being stupid. why am i crying over this? results? are results everything? is my life just about results? why should i be sad? why am i comparing myself with others? what do i want? is there even a need to put myself through all these distress? aren't i overlooking something, many things?

there are so many things i should be happy about in life. i have a family. i have shelter over my head. i have food. i have money. i can do what i want, what i like. i have freedom. i have health. i have friends. i have a safe environment. i have education. i'm alive. what more can i ask for? i should be content.

i feel inferior in every way at this point of time. i don't have a first class, nor a second upper. i don't excel in anything. i don't do well in what i like doing either. im not slim, pretty or popular. i don't have a boyfriend. im not a good friend either. i take people for granted. im selfish, inconsiderate, unhappy all the time. im not strong, im not capable, i don't have leadership. im not fit, im not sporty. im lazy, unwilling to do more than what is expected.

but i know i should be content...