it's painful. and shut up.

everyone's coming back with gold with honours. i'm happy for them, but there's always a tinge of pain somewhere. it hurts even more when you feel unappreciated for all the encouragement you've given to others. was it even reciprocated? it had been, from only but a few people...in fact, i can count with my fingers. let's say, 5? yirong, peijun, tuck wen, swen and yihong. thanks sooooo much from the bottom of my heart. nobody really asked about it. perhaps it had been too sensitive, or we looked too normal when we came back, like it didn't affect us at all. i have faith, we believe in our standard and performance, it's just what we were awarded that bugs me. I've been finding strength from my fellow dancers. it's hard to say congrats to others. you can't dampen their spirits either. just gonna cross my fingers and hope people will be more appreciative. i hope people understand that it takes a great deal to say jiayou and congrats, especially if you were in our shoes.

and then there are people in class who can't keep their comments to themselves, or at least make them inaudible. I know people have been talking about my hair, i'm NOT that ignorant. It's irritating to see that silly grin whenever I tie my hair in class. Like how they do it when peijun ties her hair. ok, i have curly hair. grow up. i said, GROW UP. it's in my genes, don't talk about it like it's got to do with race, or like it's anything funny. I don't find it funny at all, it's just that I have curly hair, what's so funny about that?! The fact that it curls? the fact that i look like an indian? the fact that you don't have curls? Tell me a good reason, perhaps I'll laugh along with you. I don't say anything about it, because honestly, what can I say? "hahaha, yeah it curls."

and today. yes i'm fat. yes i'm fat. yes I'M FAT. ok? happy? I heard it, you weren't that SOFT. I didn't say anything. why? Have you any idea how awkward it is whenever you make passing comments? I know it's true, would it make things better if I had rebutted with a smile on my face, like I don't mind it all? I'm sorry, I DO MIND. honestly, i could have screamed and slapped you if i wasn't in the best of moods. I could have humiliated you in front of everyone. I could have shouted and cried and created a great din and made sure everyone pointed their finger at you. It isn't about being truthful or not here, it's about gender. you were talking about a girl. Boys and girls are different. Guys don't mind, girls do. watch your words. it was awkward, it always will be, whatever the topic is, hair or body or whatever. Put yourself in my shoes. What would you have said if you weren't happy about it, something that hurt your pride? something that you know is your weak point, and someone picked on it on purpose, just to prove a point or simply be funny? i don't know what hurts a man's pride, but physical issues hurt a woman's pride, in case you wanted to know. It isn't funny and it was unkind. im angry. i've never passed degrading comments about anyone in front of them. what made me deserve such treatment? honestly, if you still can't understand what I'm talking about here, and finding this totally funny, i repeat, GROW UP.

and never ever ask "why you so mug?" it's not that, it's perspective. i say, because you are lazy.

damn that made me feel real mad. -.- what for.

and another thing about being racist..if you're american, and racist against asians, and reading this, keep your ass off and shut your trap. nothing makes an asian less than an american. reading comments on youtube make me boil. come on, some americans do stupider things than asians. -.- never ever say asians are dumb, americans are just as brainless, i swear. and i hate it when people have nicknames like "asianXXX". i hate comments on youtube like "stupid asians."

this comment on youtube said, "leave the korean music to the koreans =.=" so i replied. music is international. nobody ruled you must listen to music from your own people. and that person had a bunch of korean mvs in her favourites. eat yourself man. everyone should be proud of who they are, im proud to be asian and i respect asians more than americans actually. i don't like english music, i think it's boring, repetitive and meaningless. Tell me what My Humps is about.

saw this line from a drama..there are 3 things that bring the world together. Music, Food and Art. which makes a lot of sense. my conductor once said, in this times of war, it's a shame that people actually dislike songs from other countries when music binds the world. it's true, it's a shame. That people are still discriminating, especially between asia and america. that's bullshit. if there isnt' even simple basic respect, the world will be crap.

at this rate, my gp will get better I hope haaha..